Published 30th May 2014
So the sun's out.... that means only one thing – self-loathing. Unless of course you are Cara Delevingne, Rihanna or any other sickening svelte millennial.
"Where do I start?" I ponder, as I stare at the pasty, near-naked, carcass in the mirror. (Full nakedness + full mirror do not work in this pre-summer situation, the = shock may kill me.)
This time of year I like to imagine I’m taking myself to the garage for a once-over body MOT.
I fail of course.
My summer MOT bodywork failure list:
1. Bikini Line - Throughout the winter months this has spread like the ivy on the front of my house - slowly, but now clearly visible from the bottom of the drive.
2. Leg Hair - In bed this morning, my husband scratched my leg in error.
3. Toe Nails – Chipped, with 1mm of hot pink from last summer, still clinging to the edge like a suicidal call for help.
4. Heels - This seems to be a new addition to my pre-summer MOT list.
5. Bingo Wings - They are still waving auntie Pat off home to Dorset. She left in March.
6. Moustache & Lady Beard - Picture it, the sun is shining softly behind you, like the arty parts of a romantic comedy, silhouetting your face and highlighting those stray whiskers and Magnum PI tash to boot.
7. Frizz Prone Hair – Waking with a matted ball of Keratin due to the mysterious 2 am perm.
8. Pasty Skin - pasty in both meanings of the word – I’m pale but also flaky and lumpy like the meat filled sacks in Greggs.
9. Finger Nails - bitten down with frustration at all the rain, wind, and eternal promise of warmth.
10. Cellulite - The big C on the vanity alphabet - I remind you of item number 8.
I need to get this old banger back to her best and ready for another 12 months of action.
Let's start with a call to an out-of-town waxing lady (a local may feel compelled to tell the tale of the incredible hairy lady from Berko). I will book an appointment at the local nail bar or ask a mobile nail technician to come and paint my hands and feet - once she has filed through the Parmesan heels and cut back the claws. My bingo wings? It’s too late for the gym. I can imagine a personal trainer is shouting support as I lift the tins of beans aloft triumphantly 100 times. Give it 4 weeks and my arms will be looking honed but the beans could be inedible. What about the hair? - A 'Brazilian blow-dry' should do the trick, 3 months of smooth mornings - brilliant. The overwhelming whiteness can easily be remedied with a visit from the lovely spray tan fairy - let's stick to a number 8 though this time, 4 days of looking like a polished teak sideboard just to experience one day of 'ooh you look well' is not worth the sniggers of passers-by and family. Now what to do about the C word? My imaginary personal trainer has focused so hard on my under-arms he may not have the stamina to tackle this HUGE problem area. I resign to a healthy eating plan which involves NOT EATING SO MUCH CRAP, drinking lots of water and moving around a little more.
It’s a painful, tiring and embarrassing time of year but as we all know it feels great to don the vest/ shorts /gladiator sandals combo and walk confidently down the street knowing you are summer ready. Now excuse me I’m off to the riverbank to drink warm wine and squat wasps.
By Kate Lupton - Social Birdy
This time of year does indeed herald the need for a lot of pampering. Pamper Pad is the ideal place to find salon and mobile beauty professionals to get you summer body ready in no time. Enter your postcode and see who's in your area.
Read this months fitness article for help with the dreaded cellulite and bingo wings.
#waxing #spraytan #nails #pedicure #cellulite #hair #personaltrainer
